The saga of pinner, sorry, Legolas
by chode
Summary: A whirlwind story involving Legolas, a pinner, harsh name calling, a penis that changes size at will, and Gandalf in a G. You know you wanna! R


xXx..Discaimer..xXx  
  
Hmm.where am I. Aha. Oh yea. Um this was sort of a joke thing but I've put it up anyhoo. Yea yea, we (me+friend=both wrote this) don't mean any offence to any of the characters and don't own them. PS: No offence was intended to Legolas' genitalia, well, maybe just a little bit..  
  
  
  
xXx..Chapter One: My fair pinner..xXx  
  
"Put that away, its dinner time," I head someone yell. Damn. Aragorn and his fucking dinner, tastes like shit anyway. I looked down at my unfinished job, where are those hobbits when you need them.  
  
"Hah! Ugly!" someone else yelled and then darted into the bush. If I hadn't tripped over my own feet because my pants were down I might have seen who it was. I heard them snigger, oh yes I heard them snigger, about my girly hair, my nose the size of an oak tree, and most especially.my pinner. It's not my fault, I was born with it, sure they've all had a go, everyone's had a go, i'm the fucking whore of Middle Earth, but something happened a few weeks ago that made me the laughing stock of the whole nation. My dick shrunk. Sure I'm beautiful, well actually i'm a retard, people tell me that all the time, all I do all day is jerk off in the bushes, kill a few orcs, eat and then throw up to keep my figure, jerk off in the bushes, allow time for my cock to grow back to visible size and then finally, jerk off in the bushes.  
  
"Yo, pinner, I said its time to eat," Aragorn yelled at me again.  
  
"Yea yea, im coming!" I muttered under my breath, tripping over my feet again, and exposing my pinner AGAIN. "I swear, don't these goddamn people have any respect for elves..."  
  
sitting down at the dinner table surrounded by stupid little creatures, actually some of them were bigger than me but that's not the point. Aragorn passed out whatever shit he made tonight and I started eating. Looking up... i found not one of them was eating, they were all staring at me. In fact one of them even had his spoon halfway to his mouth.  
  
"GODDAMN YOU FRICKING IDIOTS" I yelled, oblivious to the giant dildo Aragorn was holding up behind my head. "CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE I AND MY PINNER ALONE FOR ONE MINUTE!"  
  
laughter rang out around the table. Gimli snorted and laughed like a goddamn maniac. I always hated short people. I turned around and got hit in the face with the dildo. Realizing what it was, and how much bigger it was than my pathetic limp piece of spaghetti, I burst into tears. It's just not fair.  
  
Dinner passed and I decided to give my nightly masturbation a miss. I usually slept away from the other company, because they laughed every time I walk past someone's bound to yell out 'limp dick' or 'pinner', smothering their cruel actions with a cough, sometimes not even that.  
  
I lay down and sighed a heavy sigh, elves don't usually close their eyes when they sleep but I didn't particularly want to look at me right now, especially my pinner. Just as I was drifting into a long awaited sleep a roar of laughter stirred me back awake.  
  
"WHAT? WHAT IS IT, OH THAT'S RIGHT LAUGH AT THE GUY WITH THE PINNER," I said looking down and noticing what they had done. Somehow they had managed to glue the dildo to my crotch while my eyes were closed. I squealed and tugged at it trying to remove it to no avail.  
  
The whole fellowship was standing around me, laughing, while I tried to pull the dildo off my crotch, tears springing to my eyes because of the pain. Suddenly, Gandalf, who wasn't there before, strode into view, wearing sexy leather suspenders, a G-string, and high heels. "My, Gandalf, you look so striking tonight," I muttered sensually, stroking my pinner and giving him sexy looks... OH NO, NO, THAT WAS THE OTHER NIGHT, NO, MY MISTAKE, SORRY. Anyway, Gandalf strode into view, looking angry. He roared at the rest of the group, and told them to fuck off and laugh at their own small dicks. No doubt they did.  
  
After they had all fucked off, no doubt to masturbate, and once again laugh at their own dicks, Gandalf pointed his long thick hard staff at my crotch and puff! The dildo was no longer on my crotch. It was now in Gandalf's hand.  
  
"Thanks for this, it might come in handy" he muttered, tucking it away safely in his robes. "Are you alright, dickl-legolas?"  
  
I felt my pinner rise. Of course, it was so small it looked the same when it was limp. It just sort of... moved around in the skin. That was all.  
  
"Why yes Gandalf...I've never been better" I purred, getting excited. Suddenly Gandalf ripped off the cloak, grabbing the dildo, to reveal his high heels, suspenders and Gst--NO, NO, WRONG NIGHT AGAIN, IM SORRY, I THINK THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY MEMORY.  
  
"Yes, Gandalf, i'm fine. But why do the others persist on humiliating me so badly?"  
  
"well you have to admit... the size of your dick is rather amusing," Gandalf sniggered, giving me a sideways glance as he strode away. I sighed, and rolled over in my bed of... um, dirt and rocks. The others took the goddamn tents again. Will it ever stop?  
  
The night passed, my crotch itched like hell from that glue. My pinner was up, not that it made much of a difference to my overall appearance. I looked down at it and nearly shit myself. My dick was the size of a fucking full sized hot air balloon. I sat up, moving my head to peer over the gigantic mound of flesh that was blocking my view.  
  
It was hard trying to walk, even for an elf, as light as a feather, with this heavy dick 


End file.
